Competing with Porn Stars: Part 1 (Just a Little Smaller)

The other day, one of my godly guys friends from high school showed up for a visit and dropped a bomb on me. “Amanda, I need help, but you’re going to think that I’m horrible. I know this is bad but I don’t know what to do with it. My girlfriend is beautiful and loves Jesus. But, I just wish she was in better shape. I feel terrible thinking that and I don’t know what to do about it. Can you help me? How do I stop thinking this?”

I stopped in my tracks. Immediately I sensed that there was a deeper issue so I asked him to pray about it, and I promised to pray for him and told him we would talk again the next day. So I started to pray…

…But it haunted me.

I started pacing around campus and something just started eating and digging at me. “What is going on??” I thought to myself. And I felt like I was starting to go crazy and everything was spinning. My world had suddenly been shaken and I didn’t know why.

I went and found one of my mature guy friends for advice. I thought it would be a good idea to gain some perspective since I didn’t know what to do with myself and I didn’t understand why I was reacting this way. I told him what was going on with my friend and then asked, “Is this something all men struggle with?”  “No.” He answered, “Not all men. I believe your friend has something deeper going on with his identity in Christ.” My friend had to run to a quick meeting, but asked me to wait so we could finish the conversation.

As I waited, it was late and I sat in the dark and looked up to the heavens and decided to just fight through all the shame and pain that was spiraling in my mind and ask my real question. You know how sometimes its just difficult to come face to face with something and you keep trying to run… but I couldn’t anymore. Something dropped in the pit of my stomach as I looked up and finally confessed what was rolling around in my heart:

“God, I feel like this just confirms my worst fears. I feel like it won’t matter how godly I am or how much you use me. No matter what, my husband will always secretly be disappointed and wish that I was ‘just a little smaller’.”

Bam. There it was. There was so much freedom in this question to realize that my guy friend’s confession pulled at a root in my own life from an eating disorder I suffered from in college. In the end, I didn’t lose the weight fast enough to satisfy a guy and salvage that bad relationship, but I did pick up a nasty mental eating disorder that stuck around long after I stopped throwing up. But now God had decided that the time had come for healing. Now, to this dark and dirty issue that I would rather have left alone and died trying to just live with and forget about, God had decided that the time had come to talk about it. So let’s talk.

Advertisements

~ by confessionsofadeadauthor on August 16, 2011.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: