I Don’t Like You: Part 1 (Introduction to the Idol)

All of my life, I have had a crush on someone. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t, but for me, this was normal, as it was for all of my friends. What’s the problem with that? Well, I was living a lie that was consuming my thoughts. I was giving my time and energy into pursuing something that didn’t exist. I was chasing the air and wearing myself out.

How did I get this way? This all began at a very young age for me. I began to carve out a spot in my heart and mind for my prince and I continuously worshipped the empty throne. I knew my prince would show up someday and ever since I was five years old, I was ready for him. It wasn’t until I finally landed my first boyfriend at seventeen years old that I began to give away everything. In this empty throne room, I had stored up my hopes, dreams, ambitions, and gifts for him, and when I finally found him, the storehouses were unleashed and I relinquished everything.

It’s a funny thing when we look back on relationships and we wonder how we got to the place where we gave our hearts away so quickly, but the truth is that we began giving pieces of ourselves away a long time ago when we started hoarding from God and storing up in anticipation for a man who we believed would be our answer and fill our void. With this in mind, it is easier to see how we give away our hearts so quickly and can only muster the response “I don’t know how it happened.” Through this process of holding back ourselves from God and putting our deepest desires for happiness in men, we cheaply give away the gifts God has given us for a shot at conditional love. We sell our beauty to the highest bidder and in this process, we are always shortchanged.

During this time, I felt like the metal ball on the pinball machine… just rolling around and never being able to drop into a hole, never being able to find a place of peace and a home because I was looking for it in men and academics and not in God. I felt like a wanderer. I couldn’t find where I belonged.

Finally, I realized that this wasn’t a quick fix. It was a process and a life change. Are you ready to commit? Either way, keep reading.

[continued in Part 2]

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~ by confessionsofadeadauthor on August 14, 2011.

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